The all important “Why?”

Ever asked yourself WHY you do something?

Of course, I’m sure you have.  But have you asked yourself “WHY?” or better yet “WHAT am I trying to accomplish here?” with the more important, forward-driving, time/energy/emotion consuming parts of your life?

If you’re like me, you probably haven’t.  I’ll admit, it’s easy to check-in on the little things that suck my time, or with new small things that are generally good.  However, the big ones go unnoticed – they hide in the corners, and in fact, are not even seen as objects I could possibly question.  They are “facts” and the walls I’ve constructed with discipline.

If you’re like me, you might see life going a certain way, make decisions to support that, work hard to create your dream, and fail to continually step away and say, “Hmmm, why am I doing this?” or “What do I really want to accomplish in life?”  or “Why is this important?”

If you’re like me, you might find when you finally ask and listen, the answers surprise you.  The answers might surprise you so much that you decide to turn another direction and realize that your life can be entirely satisfyingly different than what you’d thought…

Priorities and sense of purpose are important things.  Let’s check in with ourselves more often, okay?

Reflections on self-producing and starring in a theater production…

As mentioned at the creation of this blog, I felt I was hitting a creative wall.  So I decided to do several things about it – one being producing and acting in a play I felt passionate about.  It took about a year for this to reach fruition as there were many layers to the production.  First there was partnering with a co-producer, then jointly reading 50 or so plays with small casts.  After ultimately deciding on Brilliant Traces, we then procured the plays’ rights, brought our director on-board, booked the venue, started advertising, added crew members, helped build the set, rehearsed, rehearsed and rehearsed.

It was an awesome experience, and I use the word “awesome” in the most traditional of senses meaning overwhelming, tremendous, humbling, and life-changing.  Even with high expectations, the enormity of what it took to get the show up in a professional market at a professional level was surprising.  But we shoved through, and the support and interest we had at our backs was heartening.

The production turned out to be a huge success!

So.  As it is now 8 weeks after the production’s completion (cough – did it really take me this long to write?!), I’d like to reflect on what worked, what was more difficult than expected, and to share my thoughts for any readers considering a similar future endeavor.

1. 2 co-producers:  brilliant!  Allowed us to divide the tasks.  DON’T DO IT ALONE.  You’ll regret it.  We played to our strengths with our responsibilities.  Truthfully, we didn’t split tasks 50/50, but there would have been too much work for one person to do 100%.  I am so thankful for my co-producer!
2. It’s possible to do something of this magnitude in a professional market as a single individual (or individuals) without an established theater company backing you.  I was not fully sure this would be the case.  I hoped, but I didn’t know.
3. Start early in getting things taken care of for the production.  Try to line up crew members, the venue, marketing, programs, etc.  There will be several things you can’t set in stone ‘til it gets closer to the date (i.e., crew members who are also performers and might be cast in something by the time your show rolls around), but a general head-start will save you from lots of anxiety and teeth-grinding later.
4. As a producer your work never ends.  Never.  This means that even when you think you’ve placed all the ducks in a row, someone or something will come along and cause a wave (if not a break) in your flawlessly set in-place line.  It’s part of the job.  So breathe in.  Breathe out.
5. Funding:  you have lots of options in this day and age with IndieGoGo, KickStarter, family, friends, yourself, and grants.  Ideally, you should start early with this too.  In our case, we either funded it ourselves (divided between two producers) or it wasn’t going to happen – at least not ‘til one or both of us obtained some mainstream credits and/or representation which meant hmm, well, possibly a couple of years.  Let me clarify that we could have put up a “play” in a large home and invited only friends assuming, of course, that we had a friend with a large home (rare) that would be willing to let us fill it with guests unknown to them.  We also could have performed a staged reading with only suggestions of set and costume, not charged admittance, and not delved as deep into the characters.  We still would have been out money in that scenario, but the costs would have been considerably lower (with a lower quality of finished work).  Another option would have been to beg our friends to contribute to our funding, but neither of us is a person with what I call the “happy selling” mentality.  Also, if we’d chosen a play with a political, controversial, or minority message, we would have had opportunities to pursue grants that are created to address those issues.  As it was, we chose a piece that spoke loudly to universal human truths but to no specific message for a specialized group.  So, yes, we had other funding options IF we had not wanted to put up a full show, IF we had wanted to solicit those we knew, and IF we chose a piece meeting certain criteria.  But we wanted to put up a particular full production and we weren’t willing to wait years.
6. With that said, after the production was over, a very wise and industry-experienced friend told me, “Yeah, I learned quickly.  Never use your own money.”  So if you have other options to do what you want/need to do, do it!  It’ll stress you out less, you’ll feel more like it is your “normal” work, and you’ll feel more creatively free because you’re not as connected to the cash flow.
7. Set an itemized budget.  To do this, unless you’ve produced a play before, you’ll probably have to research a bit.  I found Plays411, Samuel French, and many theater blogs to be incredibly helpful tools in the planning (and executing) stages.  Also set aside some money for “going over” because more likely than not, expenses will appear that you had not even thought of.  In our case, gas stipends for crew, a director’s fee, set dressing, and building materials categories were more than we’d originally allotted for.  We had an ideal of what we wanted to spend, and at the beginning, we also created a cut-off mark that we both still felt good about.  We ran a bit over the cut-off mark.
8. Theater in LA?  You’ll probably lose money.  We did.  As I addressed here.  If you make even or (gasp) profits, mazel tov! and kudos to you, my friend.
9. Wisely recruit your friends to help.  What do I mean by wisely?  Well, now isn’t the time to ask a friend whom you love but isn’t able to keep commitments.  It’s also more difficult to ask people for help when you ask all the time.  Personally, I do not ask favors often, so I felt comfortable calling upon several.  For instance, I had three fabulous ladies each run a weekend of concessions and tickets.  Another dear friend took photos.  Someone else promoted our show on their blog.  My father-in-law helped tear the set down as my husband and mother-in-law cooked for a after the show cast-party.  You get the picture.
10. Craigslist might be your friend.  Remember points #3 and #9?  Sometimes your friends, acquaintances, or first choice might not be available because his or hers schedule changes or doesn’t allow it.  I found some real gems on craigslist.  My advice here is to be specific in your posting regarding skill-set, what you’re asking for commitment-wise, compensations, etc.  Know that not everyone who replies will be a prize, but most are pretty great!  True story:  I had an Emmy award winner and a separate Tony award winner send in their resume for crew positions (of course, turns out neither paid attention to our compensation and our rates were too low).  But I didn’t need award-winners.  Our crew was FABULOUS!  Also, Enci at Bitter Lemons was wonderfully helpful in sharing our crew needs with the LA theater scene.
11. Working closely with people who are friends can be difficult.  I learned that if everything was purely business, meaning I had not had a prior friendship with individuals working on this project, it would have been easier to communicate what needed to be done on a routine basis.  The problem was not in my lack of being able to communicate, but in the way people heard/processed things while applying the rules of how our normal relationship goes.  In business, there are times you have to say no, make precise and timely decisions, and change directions.  It gets difficult when someone takes a decision as personal and feels hurt.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that felt this way/experienced this on our project.  It goes in all directions.
12. It’s cool to reach out to people you don’t know for advertisement and support.  As I mentioned earlier, Bitter Lemons is a great resource, Pauline at LA Arts Beat, my friends Nancy & Lisa at NoHo ArtsDistrict, and the Los Angeles Female Playwrights Initiative among many others.
13. I wouldn’t change what I did.  But don’t star in a two-person show with spit-fire dialogue and self-produce.  Just don’t.   It’s too much.  But…  even in hindsight, I didn’t have an option as mentioned before if I wanted to do this show!  (One of my friends keeps telling me I should have had someone else produce it –um, yes, in a perfect world, but once again we didn’t have money for the magnitude of the producer we needed.)  So I’m happy to have done it, and I am incredibly proud that I was able to produce it while excelling in my acting  work (after all, the acting was the whole reason I wanted to do it).

I’m exceptionally proud of how the entire production turned out.  There’s a lot more I could share, but I fear over-indulging in details that would reveal more than I should about some things I feel are edging on the “too personal” side.  If you’re beginning this journey, I’m always happy to help answer questions and/or share more details…  For me, this was a monumental experience, and I consider myself incredibly blessed to have been able to share such a powerful story with hundreds of people.

Absentee

I’ve been hiding from social media for a little too long now, and I apologize.  It’s hard for me to know what to say.  I have several blog posts ½ to ¾ written but… well, my heart is elsewhere right now.  I’ll share in the coming weeks.

Deepest thanks to a few of my twitter buddies who worried about my absence and contacted me to make sure I was “okay.”  Can’t tell you how amazingly loved that made me feel.  If anyone else is wondering, yes, I’m great – superb is an even more appropriate description.  I’ve taken time to ask questions, listen to answers, and begin the journey towards uncharted dreams.

This image encapsulates my feelings right now:

*This is an old image I’d saved onto my desktop years ago – if you know where it’s from, please let me know as I would love to credit the artist.

True beauty

I have a wonderful friend who wrote a brave post about her experience with beauty and self-value a few weeks ago.  It got me thinking because my attitude toward “feeling beautiful” has changed drastically over the past few years… Surprisingly it has been working within worlds that place importance on look that have helped to free my understanding of physical beauty.

Before you roll your eyes, please hear me out.  I grew up in small-town Texas – the land of styled, big hair, perfect thick ever-present makeup, tight jeans, a smoldering climate, and heavy foods.  Since the fall of 2004 I’ve lived within Los Angeles County – an ocean of air-dried hair, fresh faces, an eclectic mix of fashions, a breezy 70 degrees, and health-conscious eating choices plenary.  My first few years at college I was continually shocked to walk into Starbucks and see the majority of women customers out and about without being “made-up.”  Foreign.  I thought “Who wants to walk out of their house with a less than perfect complexion?”  Not me. That was for sure.

Much of my shock arose because at that time not only was this a different social experience but I was largely unsatisfied with myself – particularly the exterior part.  It was easy for me to look at others and desire to be that thin, or to have a flawless tan complexion so that blemishes never showed, or to have their clear-cut jaw line, or to eat like a horse and still have petite sinewy muscles…   My dissatisfaction (like many women I believe) was not force-fed to me by society but my own imposed rules of perfection.  To top it off, I hadn’t lived nor was living with the healthiest outlook on food and nutrition; this was to haunt me for years as I flitted between “being good” and overindulging.  I watched many stunningly beautiful girlfriends do the same.

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Most of the time for acting jobs I’m asked to arrive on set sans makeup.  I’ve always had makeup applied to me for the shoot and with the HD cameras, woo!  Those things show even your pores!

To keep going in this profession you have to be okay with yourself.  See, the more uniquely you are as an actress (or actor) the more fun it is to watch you – which means you have to embrace exactly who you are and not who you want to be.  So if I weighed 400 lbs, I’d have to accept that I was 400 lbs and be cool with it.  If I acted like I was 150 lbs, there’d be an incongruity and the acting work wouldn’t register to the audience as funny or moving because there’d be a disconnect.  But if I weighed 400 lbs and welcomed it, the audience could fully immerse themselves into the story I’m telling.  This is just an illustration as the idea I’m trying to convey certainly goes far beyond weight and includes personality, essence, type, vocal range, physical gestures, and expressions.  You have to be self-aware and self-loving as an actor to understand who you really are.

Taking a breather

It’s been two weeks since I’ve written.  I don’t particularly want to check-in today, but I think I have an obligation to say, “Hey! Here’s what I’m up to and where I’m going to be.”  So here goes.

I’m taking a breather – at least for the next two weeks and I’m aiming to keep in the “relaxed” mode for the next month.  We’ll see how that goes because I’m only on day three and it’s difficult for me to not take action on every little thing that pops into my head.  That doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t be blogging or acting or working… it means I’m giving myself the freedom to breathe, relax and not push myself.  In fact I’ve made an agreement with several family members to not push myself and to “relax” for the next two weeks.  Since mid-May I’ve been going faster than a hummingbird beats its wings and because this pace never slowed I’ve been teetering into the negatives with both physical and mental health.  I am also facing some major decisions in the next bit of life and a fresh perspective should help.

As I took a walk on the hazy ocean this morning and dragged my toes through the sand, I thought of a well-known saying by Confucius: Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

I’ve not “seen” a lot in the last several weeks.  It’s my intent to breathe in, to appreciate, and to experience the mesmerizing, the fascinating, the little bitty mundane details, the beautiful, and the deliciousness of life!

P.S. Brilliant Traces was a huge success and I promise to share more in another post.